Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz
by Drakena the Destroyer
Summary: A really dumb parody of the Wizard of Oz, staring Kairi as Dorothy and featuring most of the Kingdom Hearts cast. Rated T for swearing and adult humor.
1. On the Destiny Island

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Rating:** T for Teen – story will contain swearing and innuendo.

**Disclaimer:** Kingdom Hearts and all characters © Square and Disney, _Wizard of Oz_ © L. Frank Baum.

**Note:** This all started out as a silly drawing of Maleficent threatening Kairi the same way the Wicked Witch would threaten Dorothy. Now, I am trying to write one freaky parody with most of the Kingdom Hearts cast. As a warning, some people might not like the sense of humor in this story, read at your own risk.

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_Chapter 1: On the Destiny Islands_

Kairi was a girl of 15 with red hair and violet-blue eyes, she wore a blue and white dress with a skirt cut below the knee. She was running straight to her house on the Destiny Islands; behind her ran her dog Pluto.

"Wait," shouted Kairi as she stopped running. "What is with Pluto? He's _not_ even my dog!"

Pluto, being a dog, didn't say thing but stopped and stared at Kairi.

"Let me explain that," said the author, "since Dorothy, your character, has a little dog, I had to find a dog from the game to play the part of Toto. So Pluto was the best choice for the dog, not to mention that he was following you around when you got kidnapped in _Kingdom Hearts II_."

"Damn," Kairi sighed. She looked at Pluto, the dog just sat and waited for her to say something else. "Come on boy, let's go home. I'm sure Grandmother will understand my side of the story and not let that mean lady hurt you."

They reached the front yard of Kairi's house, where they found Tidus and Waka wearing white shirts and blue overalls, talking to each other.

"Hey Kairi," said Tidus.

"What's up?" asked Waka.

"Hey guys," said Kairi. "Is my Grandmother home?"

"Yeah," replied Waka, "we were helping her out around the house, she's probably in the kitchen."

The front door opened and outs stepped Kairi's Grandmother, wiping her hands on the apron she wore over her dress.

"Oh, Kairi," she said, "I thought I heard you."

"I need to speak with you," said Kairi. "Pluto got into Malificent's garden today and Pluto is getting the blame when it was my fault in the first place."

"Don't fret dear," said Grandmother. "That woman won't do anything to Pluto when she hears your explanation and apologies."

"That's true," said Tidus, "you've always been honest Kairi. Just tell that lady you and Pluto didn't intend to do anything wrong."

"Stand up to her, yah," added Waka. "Show some courage."

"Okay boys," said Grandmother, "I'm sure Kairi is encouraged enough to explain herself to Maleficent. When that woman gets here, you just have to do your best not to let her get to you." She went back inside to continue her work in the kitchen.

"See ya later," said Tidus as he and Waka ran to the beach.

Kairi sat down on the doorstep with Pluto next to her. Stroking the dog's back, Kairi let out a depressed sigh.

"This world is so lousy," she muttered. "I wish I could see a new, exciting place. A place where I can escape the troubles of the island."

Pluto only made a bark in reply.

"Perhaps we should go inside. We can only wait for what will happen next. The worst thing that could happen is a storm turning this place to Hell." Kairi stood up and opened the door to allow Pluto inside. She went inside and marched to her room with Pluto behind her.

"Why am I the one suffering in this parody?" Kairi whined once she was in her room.

"Because the position you had in Kingdom Hearts was similar to Dorothy's!" shouted the author. "A girl who thinks about the worlds beyond her home and she finally ends up there when a storm whisks her away! Since you didn't really do much but play damsel-in-distress, you might as well have an adventure but you won't like it!"

Kairi just groaned and sat hunched on her bed. Pluto lay on the floor at the girl's feet.

"That stupid dog has ruined my garden for the last time!" came a shrill voice from the living room. It was Maleficent!

"Oh shit!" Kairi hissed. "Pluto, hide yourself, I'm going to confront the witch!"

She ran to the living room where her Grandmother was talking to Maleficent. Kairi stopped and cleared her throat to announce her presence.

"You have no need to be angry," said Kairi's Grandmother. "It was only a misunderstanding."

"I still don't want that dog trashing my garden and attempting to attack me," said Maleficent. The witch wore a bogus disguise, a black dress and matching hat.

_She looks as if she had been to a Disney villain funeral_, Kairi thought sarcastically.

"It was my fault to begin with," said Kairi. "I should have kept an eye on Pluto, I'm the one who should be punished. Grounding me for several weeks should be enough."

"Take the blame as much as you want!" said Maleficent. "I have a warrant from the sheriff that the dog should be taken away." She took a slip of paper out of her hideous handbag and gave it to Kairi's Grandmother.

"Oh dear," said the Grandmother sadly when she had read the paper. "I'm sorry Kairi, but it seems that there is nothing else you can do for Pluto."

"Rats," said Kairi. Then she noticed that Pluto came out of hiding and into the living room.

"Hand him over," demanded Maleficent, "I'm going to place him in that box so he won't attempt attacking me again!" She pointed to a portable dog cage that had wheels on its bottom and a long handle to tow or push it.

Kairi led Pluto to the cage where he quietly walked into it. "Sorry boy," said Kairi, "seems that I couldn't save you."

Maleficent slammed the cage shut. "Now I shall be on my way to dispose of the beast!" She towed the cage out the door and attached it to the back of her bicycle.

"You wicked old witch," Kairi shouted after Maleficent. "I can't believe you are doing this!" She stormed off to her room cursing at Maleficent.

"What's going on?" asked Tidus when he and Waka entered the living room.

Kairi's Grandmother sighed as she watched her granddaughter storm off and frowned at Maleficent retreating. "Just some bad issues that horrible woman."

Meanwhile, Maleficent was riding her bicycle down the road, but she seemed unaware of Pluto's escape. Since Pluto's portable prison had him concealed from view, except through the door, the dog was planning to break free.

Pluto reached one of his forepaws between the bars and began fidgeting with the lock. Once the lock was loose, the door swung open and Pluto jumped out.

He ran into some near bushes and peaked out to see if Maleficent had taken any notice. The woman continued to ride on as if nothing happened.

Happy that he escaped, Pluto ran back home where Kairi was waiting.

"How the Hell did Pluto become that smart?" Sora asked the author.

"He delivers notes left by King Mickey," replied the author. "My guess is that the King must have trained Pluto to get out of dangerous situations."

"Oh…" Sora scratched his head for a moment. "Do I get a part in this?"

"I'm afraid not, but you can sit back and watch Kairi suffer through everything."

Sora jumped for joy. "Yes!"

_To be continued…_


	2. Running Away

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters!

**Note:** Here is Chapter 2 of this odd parody, come enjoy the insanity.

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_Chapter 2: Running Away_

Kairi sat on her bed, pressing her face into her hands and sobbing.

"This so sucks!" she cried. "Why must that witch treat dogs so badly? Why the hell am I in this damn parody?"

"Whiner," muttered the author.

While Kairi sobbed, Pluto jumped through the open window and barked.

"Pluto?" Kairi stopped sobbing and stared at the dog. "Did you escape custody?"

Pluto barked and nodded.

"Come on boy," said Kairi as she grabbed her bag and packed it with clothing. "We should get out of here before Maleficent comes back looking for you!" She climbed out of the window and Pluto followed her.

They ran across the island, as fast as they could. When they were out of sight of Kairi's house, they slowed their pace. Kairi and Pluto came across an old man with a long beard, wearing a hawaian shirt, shorts, sandals, sun-glasses, and a baseball cap. The old man was roasting hot dogs over a camp fire outside his caravan.

"Hello," said the old man, taking notice of Kairi and Pluto.

"Um… hello," said Kairi. "I'm…"

"Wait, don't tell me, your name is Kairi."

"Yes."

"You seem to be going somewhere. Don't tell me… you are travelling… no… you're running away from home."

"How did you guess?"

"I do not guess," said the old man. "Merlin the Magnificent knows everything."

"Do you know why I am running away?"

"Hmm…" Merlin scratched his head, "it's because you think that no one at home appreciates or understands you."

"That's right."

Pluto then began eating the hot dog off the stick Merlin was holding.

"Pluto! That's rude," shouted Kairi.

"Oh, that's alright," said Merlin. "He's probably just hungry."

"What are you doing here on the Destiny Island?" asked Kairi.

"Just travelling on business."

Kairi crossed her arms. "You look as if you're on vacation."

"This is an island, might as well relax a bit on my travels to different worlds."

"Can I come with you? I want to see the other worlds you visit."

"Wouldn't your folks miss you?"

"I only live with my Grandmother, she's an old woman and won't have to trouble with me when I'm not around."

"I'm not too sure about that." Merlin stood up. "Come inside and I can tell you."

Kairi shrugged. "Ah, why not?" She and Pluto went into the caravan with Merlin.

She sat down at a small table and Merlin sat across from her. Merlin exchanged his sun glasses for spectacles and his cap for a tall, pointed hat.

"I am a magician," said Merlin. He placed a crystal ball in the center of the table. "With this crystal ball, I can see what is going on in other places. Now let's see how your grandmother deals with your sudden disappearance." He stared into the crystal, concentrating. "Ah, an elderly woman with white hair and rosy cheeks, would that be her?"

"My Grandmother? Yes, that would be her." Kairi nervously knotted her fingers together, waiting to hear more of the vision.

"She is in a bedroom with an open window," Merlin continued. "She seems worried. Now she is sitting on the bed crying."

Kairi jumped out of her seat. "Holy crap! I think I worried her to death! Thank you for your time, but I should be going!"

"Changing your mind about running away?"

"Of course I am after that vision you told me of! I have to get back." Kairi ran outside with Pluto. The sky was darkening and the wind was picking up.

"Be careful on your way, Kairi!" shouted Merlin when he came out of his caravan.

"I will!" Kairi and Pluto ran back in the direction they came from until they disappeared through the thickness of the palm trees.

"I better make sure she makes it home safely," Merlin said to the horse that was tethered outside the caravan.

Kairi and Pluto made it back to the house. However, the storm was getting worse, it was difficult moving through the forceful winds. Black clouds swirled in the sky. Kairi ran across the yard to the house and opened the door.

"Grandmother!" shouted Kairi. No answer came.

"This is it!" shouted Riku as he stood benethe a swirling cloud on the docks. "The door has opened!"

"What the hell?" asked Kairi.

"Riku!" shouted the author. "What do you think your doing? This is a parody, not the actual Kingdom Hearts story! You're not supposed to be in this scene!"

Riku giggled nervously. "Sorry." Then the cloud above him extended downward and engulfed him.

"Oh shit!" hissed Kairi. "Pluto, we gotta be sheltered from this storm!"

Pluto barked. He and Kairi ran inside and back to Kairi's room. Kairi slammed her door and window shut. She and Pluto huddled together on the bed, listening to the howling winds outside.

Then the house began to vibrate, objects fell from their shelves onto the floor and everything felt as if the house was ripped from the ground.

"My God!" screamed Kairi as the house lifted off the ground.

Kairi could see the swirling clouds outside along with trees that were torn from the earth. Then there were small boats flying on the wind, one boat that flew by had these men rowing in it. Then, there was Maleficent riding her bike, which changed to Maleficent in her black robes flying like a grotesque bird.

"Holy crap!" hissed Kairi. "Hold me!" She grabbed onto Pluto while the dog flatened himself down, hiding his eyes with his paws.

"And then?" asked Sora eagerly.

"The house crashes in another world," replied the author. "You will have to wait for the next chapter to find out what happens next."

"Darn!" Sora slipped his hands into his pockets and bowed his head to sulk.

_To be continued…

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**End notes:** Not exactly insane, but I'm trying to find something whacky for the next chapter. Any suggestions? Please feel free to send your opinions. However, insults I will ignore._  
_


	3. Where are We?

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters!

**Note:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far. I hope you all enjoy Chapter 3.

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_Chapter 3: Where are we?_

Kairi groaned as she sat up, her head was throbbing with pain and her vision was blurry. When her eyes gained focus, she saw her entire room was upside down, furniture broken and everything scattered.

"Whoa!" she gasped. "What a shit load mess! I can't believe I survived that Hell Hole!"

Pluto barked in agreement as he stood up and stretched.

"We should go outside and see what the Hell happened." Kairi stood up, struggling to keep her balance. "I think I should call a doctor too."

The two crawled through the broken window of the bedroom, finding that the house had crashed in a brightly colored garden. There were trees, tiny houses and tall grass that had puffy, pink flowers. Since the budget was low, most of the background was painted cardboard cutouts.

"What a cheap set," Kairi grumbled.

"No complaining about the sets!" shrieked the author.

"Alright!" Kairi cleared her throat. "Pluto, I don't think we're on Destiny Island anymore." She looked at the house to see the damage done. "The storm really tore the house apart… Oh my God!" Under the debris was a pair of legs wearing black and white striped stockings with red slippers.

Pluto sniffed at the lifeless feet and tilted his head with curiosity.

"Are those things real?" asked Sora, watching the scene.

"Of course not," replied the author. "They're stuffed stockings. I did mention that this was low budget."

"Oh."

Back at the scene, Kairi observed her surroundings. "I better look for someone to tell us where the Hell we are." She and Pluto walked slowly around the gardens, looking for a sign of life.

Unknown to them, the puffy, pink flowers were actually the pom-poms of Moogles hiding in the tall grass. The Moogles raised their heads above the grass to watch Kairi and Pluto, they whispered to each other then they crouched down when Pluto barked at their direction.

"Whose there?" asked Kairi, staring at the tall grass. "Whoever you are, please come out and tell me what this place is."

"Hello there," said a gentle voice. Kairi turned around to see the Fairy Godmother standing in the center of the garden.

"Oh… uh, hello," said Kairi. "Do you mind telling me where I am?"

"You are in the Land of Oz. Now I must ask you. Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

"I'm not a witch, witches are mean!"

"You're more of a whiny bitch," said Sora mockingly.

"Shush," hissed the author, elbowing Sora.

"Ouch!" Sora groaned and rubbed his arm where he was elbowed.

"Now where was I?" said Fairy Godmother after the interruption. "Oh yes, now I remember." She cleared her throat. "It seems that you haven't met many witches," she said to Kairi, "I happen to be one."

"Never met a witch who sounded so nice," said Kairi.

"Only bad witches are mean. So are you a good or bad witch?"

"I'm actually a Princess of Heart," replied Kairi with a proud but stupid grin. "Which makes me a good person."

"Yeah right," Sora and the author whispered together.

"Oh, one of the Seven, am I right?" said Fairy Godmother. "Guess it seems safe for the Moogles to come out of hiding. Come out everyone! The danger has passed! This girl has freed you from the wicked witch."

Out of the tall grass and bushes, Moogles began to appear. They gathered around Kairi and Pluto, staring with interest.

"The wicked witch?" asked Kairi.

"She was up to no good here until your house squashed her," replied Fairy Godmother, pointing her wand at the stuffed stockings. "These Moogles are grateful for the deed."

All the Moogles began to bow towards Kairi. "Kupo!" they cried cheerfully.

"Wow," said Kairi, "I'm beginning to like it here already." She blushed and Pluto wagged his tail.

"Kupo," said one Moogle, "you're our savior! The Wicked Witch is dead! Long live Princess Kairi! Kupo!"

"Long live Princess Kairi! Kupo!" the other Moogles shouted.

"Is that supposed to be in the script?" asked Sora.

"Afraid so," replied the author, "writing a big musical number would take too long. This parody has to progress faster than the film musical. As long as it doesn't progress fast enough for Kairi's liking."

Sora snickered at the thought.

While bowing, chanting Moogles surrounded Kairi and Pluto, there was a terrible sound like thunder. A puff of green smoke appeared and the Moogles scattered in fright. The smoke cleared away and there was Maleficent, standing tall and menacing.

"I thought she was dead!" Kairi whined.

"Your house squashed the Wicked Witch of the East," said Fairy Godmother. "The witch you see here is her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West."

Maleficent approached the pair of stuffed stockings beneath Kairi's broken house. A terrible sneer came across her face.

"Who would dare kill my sister?" Maleficent shrieked.

"It was only by accident," said Kairi.

"You!" Maleficent turned and pointed a finger at Kairi. "You did it! You spoiled brat!"

"Leave her alone," shouted Fairy Godmother, resting a hand on Kairi's shoulder.

"You stay out of this!" Maleficent pointed angrily at Fairy Godmother. "I shall avenge my sister, but first I must retrieve her ruby slippers! They shall give me the power I need!"

The witch turned back to the stuffed stockings. "Ah! The ruby slippers! They're gone! Where are they?"

"Right here," said Fairy Godmother, indicating to Kairi's feet.

"Holy crap!" said Kairi. She examined the bright red shoes on her feet as the stockings curled up beneath the wreckage.

"Give me those!" screeched Maleficent. Both of her talon-like hands were clenching her staff.

"No way!" yelled Kairi.

Pluto snarled in Maleficent's direction.

"You are out of luck, Maleficent," said Fairy Godmother. "The glas… er… ruby slippers are in Kairi's ownership, she has been chosen to wear them."

Maleficent spread out her arms and green flames enveloped her black robe. "You may have been spared this time," she hissed, "but you haven't seen the last of me! I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!" The wicked witch disappeared in another puff of green smoke.

"Maybe I should get the Hell out of here," muttered Kairi. "She sounded serious about that threat."

"You will have to journey to the Emerald City," said Fairy Godmother, "the Wizard there will help you back to your own world."

"I hope he's a good man."

"Of course he is, he'll help anyone who asks for it. All what you have to do is follow the yellow brick road." Fairy Godmother pointed to a pathway made of yellow bricks.

"Sounds simple enough."

"It's a long way. Did you bring a broom stick?"

"Uh… no."

"Guess you'll have to walk." Fairy Godmother cleared her throat. "Good luck with your journey, I must leave for now. Perhaps we will meet again." With a wave of her wand, she disappeared in a swirl of fairy dust.

"See you later then," Kairi muttered at the last speckle of dust. She turned her attention to the yellow brick road. "I hope this path will be damn straight to the Emerald City."

"Just follow the yellow brick road, kupo," said one of the Moogles.

A crowd of Moogles guided Kairi and Pluto along the path to the outskirts of the garden where the road continued across landscapes. The road snaked through the meadows and woodlands.

"Follow the yellow brick road?" Kairi asked herself. "Doesn't seem so hard. Come on Pluto, let's be on our way." She waved at the Moogles. "Bye everyone."

Kairi and Pluto jogged down the road with the Moogles waving after them.

"These shoes are pretty," muttered Kairi as she jogged, "but they are damn painful to run in."

"Now I understand why it won't be to Kairi's liking," said Sora, "her shoes hurt her feet!" He giggled.

"Yes," said the author with satisfaction. "By the end, Kairi's feet will be sore and blistered." The author went to check the clock. "Where's Goofy? He's running late for his scene."

"Gawrsh," said Goofy as he entered, "hope I'm not too late."

The author sighed. "Nope, you're just in time. Quickly get in your costume and get your butt down to the set for the next scene."

Goofy saluted. "Right!" He ran to the change rooms to prepare for his scene.

"Think you can help him get ready?" asked the author to Sora.

"With pleasure," said Sora, holding a hammer and a large, rusty nail. An evil grin appeared on his face.

_To be continued…_

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**End Note:** Hold on people, Sora's not going to do anything bad to Goofy, it will be humiliating but not nasty. Hoped everyone enjoyed this chapter and will be patient enough for the next. 


	4. Enter the Scarecrow

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the characters!

**Note:** Thanks to everyone who reviewed so far. My apologies if I took too long to update this chapter.

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_Chapter 4: Enter the Scarecrow_

Kairi and Pluto ran along the yellow brick road, passing meadows and farmlands. While passing by a large cornfield, they found that the road branched off in three separate directions: straight ahead, right turn and left turn.

"Oh damn it," moaned Kairi as she stopped running, "I thought following this stupid road would be easy! My feet feel too sore to go any further!"

Pluto came to a stop. He panted and looked towards the different directions.

"Which direction is the Emerald City?" Kairi asked herself. "I can't stand being lost in an odd world!"

"It's probably that way," said a voice.

Kairi looked in the direction of the voice. It was Goofy wearing a patch work costume, hanging by the back of his shirt on a wooden pole and pointing to the left turn.

"Goofy? What in the world?" asked Kairi.

"Or," said Goofy; "it could be that way." He pointed in the opposite direction. "Could be either way." Goofy crossed his arms to point in both directions.

"Will you just make up your mind!"

"Gawrsh, I can't make up my mind, I haven't got a brain. Just straw." He indicated to the straw sticking out from under his hat.

"More likely a load of brain damage from that heavy blow to the head," mumbled Sora.

"Leave him alone," said the author, "he's performing his part well."

"How the Hell can someone without a brain talk?" asked Kairi.

"Don't know," replied Goofy. "I'm sure there are some brainless folks who do a lot of talking."

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She looked at the pole Goofy hung from. "How did you get up there anyway?"

"It's a long story."

_FLASHBACK_

Sora was at the set, placing a crate in front of the pole and a small ladder at the side. When he was done placing the equipment, Goofy had arrived in costume.

"I'm ready to roll," said Goofy.

"Good," said Sora, "just stand on that crate and cover your eyes. I'll tell you when to uncover them."

Goofy did what he was told; he climbed onto the crate and covered his eyes with his hands. His back was against the pole.

Sora climbed the ladder and pinned the back of Goofy's shirt to the pole with the nail. Using the hammer, Sora drove the nail into the pole, surprised that the noise didn't startle Goofy. Then Sora climbed down the ladder and picked it up.

"Okay, Goofy," said Sora, "you can open your eyes now!" He kicked the crate away just when Goofy uncovered his eyes.

"Woah!" cried Goofy when he saw that he was dangling several feet above the ground.

"Sucker!" cackled Sora as he ran away.

_END FLASHBACK_

"Must be a pain in the ass hanging from there," said Kairi.

"Think you can get me down?" asked Goofy. "I can probably help you on your way to the Emerald City."

"I could try to get you down." Kairi approached the pole to see how to get Goofy down. She looked at the nail that pinned Goofy's shirt to the pole. "Holy shit, that's a big nail!"

"Can you wriggle it out?" asked Goofy.

"Hold on." Kairi reached and grabbed the end of the nail, she tugged and she twisted. "Sora did a damn fine job jamming it into the pole." She pulled a little harder. "God damn it! The stupid thing isn't coming loose!"

_Two hours later…_

"Oh man," groaned Kairi, holding the large nail in her hand. "I thought that would take forever if Pluto hadn't suggested digging out the pole from the ground and then removing the nail after."

Pluto sat on the ground tilting his head up with pride.

"Did you have to drop the pole though?" asked Goofy. "That really hurt, falling on my face first."

"I said I was sorry about that," said Kairi. She dropped the nail beside the pole, which lay now on the ground. "Perhaps we should be on our way. Maybe while we're at the Emerald City, you can ask the Wizard to cure your brain problem."

"Splendid idea." Goofy grinned. "Shall we go then?"

"Yes, I just want to get the Hell out of this crazy place!"

So Kairi, Goofy and Pluto ran down the yellow brick road. Pluto barked, Goofy whistled and Kairi whined that her feet were still hurting.

"Ow! These shoes are killing me!" Kairi shouted.

"I hope they get to the talking trees soon," moaned Sora.

"They will," said the author.

Goofy, Kairi and Pluto were walking through an area where there were apple trees growing. Unknown to them, Maleficent was hiding behind one of the trees, preparing a trap.

"Oh, apples," squealed Kairi, "I'm starving." She reached out to pluck an apple from a low branch. When she held the forbidden fruit in her hand, a talon like branch swat the apple away.

"Hey!" cried Kairi.

"Hey yourself," said the tree, in a voice that sounded like a bad Ent imitation. "How would you like it if someone picked something off of you?"

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "maybe we should get out of here. I sure don't like the sound of this."

"It's fishy to me," said Kairi, staring at two holes in the tree trunk.

Inside the tree costume, Riku was watching through the eyeholes and sweating bucket loads of fluids.

He asked himself: _What have I done wrong to deserve this?_ Riku panted, and licked his lips. _I could use some water because I'm feeling hot and I can't continue this dumb tree voice for long._

Pluto went up to the tree costume that contained Riku and sniffed at the roots. The dog decided to lift his leg up to do his business.

"Take a piss somewhere else!" the tree roared, scaring Pluto off. Riku began to flail the limbs of the tree costume, flinging apples at the trio.

Two other trees began imitating the same actions. The area became a war zone of apple projectiles.

"Goofy, Pluto," shrieked Kairi, "come on! We should get out of here!"

"Right!" shouted Goofy. He, Pluto and Kairi ran away, shielding themselves from flying apples.

"Holy crap!" cried Sora with laughter. "That was so hilarious!"

"Funny to you," grumbled Riku. "It was hot and sticky in that thing! I could've died from heat stroke!" Hayner and Pence, who were the other two trees, nodded.

"I'm too cool," whined Hayner.

"I'm too fat," whined Pence.

"Oh stop whining," said the author. "You guys go take a bath to remove the smell and sweat."

"Okay," the three "tree actors" said. They marched into the change room to get themselves bathed.

"I think I'll join them," said Sora with a devious look on his face.

"Go ahead," said the author. "I've got to plan for the next scene anyway."

Sora ran into the change room with excitement, leaving the author to think.

"The next one will be tricky," the author mused, "very tricky."

_To be continued…

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**End Note:** Did everyone enjoy that? If the characters are getting too whiny, just feel free to mention it. I must confess, I have been thinking over who should suffer as the Tin Man and there are lots of ideas to pick from. However, I would like to see suggestions from the reviewers. There might be a chance someone might have the same ideas as me.


	5. Enter the Tin Man

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the Disney, nor the Square characters, nor Pepsi.

**Warning:** This chapter refers to slash pairings, Riku/Sora, Axel/Roxas and Axel/Sora.

**Note:** Thanks everyone, for all of the comments. I figured out who should suffer as the Tin Man, thanks to some suggestions, I hope no one will be disappointed by the choice.

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_Chapter 5: Enter the Tin Man_

Kairi, Pluto and Goofy ran for several minutes and came to a stop when they were sure they escaped the danger. They had become exhausted and felt sore where apples struck them.

"What horrible trees!" screamed Kairi. "My feet were hurting before, now everything hurts!"

"At least we're still alive," said Goofy optimistically.

"Yeah, whatever. I think we should rest a bit, until my feet stop burning." Kairi sat down on a tree stump and gazed at the ruby slippers.

"Maybe you should take those shoes off if your feet hurt," suggested Goofy.

"I can't," said Kairi, "I know that witch, Maleficent, wants them and I'm not going to let her take them." She crossed her arms angrily and sighed. "Damn this parody!"

Pluto had wandered ahead and began to bark at something he discovered.

"What is he barking at?" asked Goofy.

"We'll just have to find out," answered Kairi as she stood up.

They walked to a large tree, at the side of the road, where Pluto was standing. At the dog's feet was what appeared to be a can of gasoline or oil, but next to that can was…

"You!" Kairi shrieked. Her hands were balled into fists as she glared at the red-haired man standing in the shade of the tree.

Axel let out a nervous giggle when he saw Kairi. "Hey," he said through his clenched teeth. The Organization member was wearing what looked like a metal trash can with metal tubes around his arms and legs, he had a metal cone on top of his head, which couldn't hide his hair, and his face was painted silver.

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, scratching his head, "how did you end up like that, Axel?"

"I'll tell you if you oil this damn costume," grunted Axel.

"How?"

"With the oil can," said Kairi, feeling annoyed.

Goofy picked up the oil can and began to squirt oil on the joints of Axel's very silly costume. After oiling the costume, Axel flexed his arms and rotated his shoulders.

"Thank you," said Axel with relief. "Now I can explain my embarrassing situation."

_FLASHBACK_

Axel lumbered onto the set with his ridiculous costume on. He found it unbearable to move in.

"How could I have come to this?" he asked. "My ass is starting to feel sore from walking in this thing!"

"You seemed to be the best choice," said the author. "The Tin Man required a heart and had a huge speaking part. Using any Heartless or Nobody wouldn't work because they can't talk; however, someone from Organization XIII would be more qualified. You were the most qualified because you didn't turn out to be that bad, and you were searching for your friend, Roxas, which is close to wanting a heart."

"That makes sense, Roxas always made me feel like I had a heart." Axel smiled with a dreamy look on his face. "Sora sure makes me feel the same way."

"Perhaps, if you go through with this, you and Sora could go out after."

"Really? That would be fantastic!" Axel scratched his head. "Wait a minute, wouldn't Riku become jealous?"

"Then that would be too bad," the author replied with a wicked smirk.

Sora had just left the change room, wearing only his bathrobe. Both of his eyebrows arched when he saw Axel.

"Axel, is that you?" he asked. "You look so damn hilarious!"

"Bite me!" shouted Axel.

"Oh knock it off, lover boys," said the author. "Sora, you're just in time. Can you help Axel prepare for his scene?"

"Hokey dokey," said Sora. He held out his hand to summon his Key blade.

"What's going on?" asked Axel.

"You'll see," replied the author.

Sora cast a Blizzaga spell on Axel, freezing the Organization member on the set.

"Perfect," said Sora, dismissing his Key blade.

Axel glared at Sora and the author. He tried casting a Firaga spell to unfreeze him, only causing his costume to rust.

"It won't be long, Axel," said the author, tossing an oilcan at Axel's feet. "Help will come and get you out of that pose."

_END FLASHBACK_

"That must be terrible," said Goofy.

"I think you deserved it," said Kairi, still glaring at Axel. "You're the one who kidnapped me in the first place!"

"Easy Princess," said Axel, holding up his hands. "I wasn't intending to harm you, I thought you would forgive me within time."

"Forget it!"

"Would you forgive me if I had a heart?"

"That wouldn't make a difference!"

"Oh come on, if I had a heart, I would be a more better person than I am now."

"He's got a point," said Goofy.

"We're wasting time here," said Kairi. "We have to see the wizard about my return to Destiny Island and have something done about your brain, Goofy."

"Can I come?" asked Axel. "The wizard should be able to give me a heart."

"That's a good idea. Kairi, can Axel come?" asked Goofy. He held his hands together as if he was praying; Axel made the same pleading action.

Kairi looked at Pluto, finding that the dog was making a wide-eyed begging face.

"Alright!" said Kairi. "He can come with us, but I'm not speaking to him!" She stormed off down the yellow brick road with her nose up in the air. Pluto followed her.

"What a grouch," said Axel.

"She just wants to get home," said Goofy.

Goofy went ahead to catch up with Kairi and Pluto. Axel picked up his oilcan and lumbered after them. He had difficulty walking with the heavy weight of his costume.

"I hate this damn parody!" the Organization member cursed.

They were passing by an abandoned little house in the woods. All of a sudden there was a puff of green smoke and Maleficent was standing on the roof of the house.

"So, my pretty," she hissed, "it seems that you have picked up some pathetic friends. The foolish Captain of the King's knights in rags stuffed with straw, and Axel, member of Organization XIII, reduced to wearing a metal can!" She cackled at them.

"What a witch," grumbled Axel.

"Are you following me, Maleficent?" asked Kairi. "If you are, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Her face was turning as red as her hair as she glared up at the witch.

"Such rudeness for a Princess of Heart," mocked Maleficent. The witch raised her staff. "How about a little fire, scarecrow?" She blasted a ball of green flame at Goofy.

Goofy made a yelp as he jumped away from the blast. The witch's attack struck the ground, causing a patch of grass to ignite in flames. Axel quickly extinguished the fire by stomping on it with his heavy metal shoes.

Maleficent pointed at Kairi. "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!" The witch cackled and disappeared with a puff of green smoke.

"I'd wish she'd stop saying that," said Kairi.

"She's meaner than before," said Goofy. "I'd hate to see what she'll do next."

"Sounds like she's bent on getting Kairi," said Axel.

"She wants the damn ruby slippers," explained Kairi. "I can't risk getting the painful shoes off because she could snatch them anytime I get them off."

"Don't worry, Kairi," said Goofy. "The sooner we get to Emerald City and speak to the wizard, the sooner you'll get home and away from Maleficent."

"Right, then we better move on." Kairi ran ahead, while cursing how much her feet were hurting. Pluto and Goofy ran behind her, Axel still lumbered at the end.

"Remind me to sue the costume department," Axel called to the others. He tried running in his heavy costume, the metal parts clanking with every step.

"I feel kind of bad for Axel," said Sora. "Must be very unpleasant walking around in that thing." He opened a can of Pepsi and began to gulp down his drink.

"It won't be forever," said the author. "I told him that once it's over, he can go out with you."

Sora spit his soda out onto the floor. "You what?"

"It would mean a lot to him, since you do make him feel the same way Roxas made him feel."

"Yeah, I guess. Just that Riku would be jealous of me seeing… other guys."

"Well, you are popular among all the guys you've befriended, especially to some of the Disney characters." The author chuckled. "Riku will just have to get used to it."

Sora's face burned red. "Can we please discuss the parody instead of my _popularity_? Like, what are we going to do for the next scene?"

"Can you still summon allies from your first adventure?"

"I don't know," said Sora, scratching his head. "Since the worlds were restored, my friends all returned to their homes, but I could try."

"Good, very good."

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** Yes, I decided to make poor Axel suffer, but he will get what he wants in the end. About Sora's _popularity_, all I can explain is that some of the Square and Disney male characters were taking an interest in him during _Kingdom Hearts II_. Not trying to gross out people, but that was how it seemed to me. Yeah, I'm just crazy, which is half the reason why I'm writing this parody.


	6. Enter the Cowardly Lion

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** I own none of the Square and Disney characters and I don't own the song _The Lion Sleeps Tonight_.

**Note:** I bet you all know who the cowardly Lion is going to be.

* * *

_Chapter 6: Enter the Cowardly Lion_

The adventure continues with Kairi, Pluto, Goofy and Axel walking along the yellow brick road, through a dense jungle. The trees blocked out the sunlight and all around them were the calls of wild birds and insects.

"This place reeks," whined Kairi, pinching her nose with her thumb and index finger.

"I'd don't like the bushes," said Goofy, "there could be snakes in them."

"I'm more concerned about lions," said Axel. "They're feral hunters."

"Gawrsh, Axel, I didn't know you fear lions."

Axel cocked one eyebrow. "So I suppose that you don't fear lions?"

"Of course not!" Goofy marched ahead, chanting a song.

_"In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_

_"The lion sleeps tonight._

_"In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_

_"The lion sleeps tonight."_

"He stinks," moaned Sora. He covered his ears to block out Goofy's singing.

"Stop picking on him," said the author.

"Hey, Kairi," said Goofy, "back me up!"

"Oh my God!" cried Kairi before Goofy could sing the next line.

"Huh?"

"Look, up ahead of us." Kairi pointed several yards ahead of the group.

There was a lion sitting in the middle of the yellow brick road. The lion had golden brown fur, a thick, brown mane and he was licking himself between his hind legs. His back was to the group and he seemed too busy bathing himself to notice the company on the road.

"Holy crap!" shouted Axel. "It's a freaking lion!"

The lion jumped up and turned around to face the company. He let out a roar of anger, charged and pounced on Axel. Kairi hid behind a tree, Goofy and Pluto jumped back as the lion collided with the Organization member. Axel was pinned down on his back and face to face with the lion.

"Nice kitty," squealed Axel.

"How dare you interrupt my bath," growled the lion.

"It was a misunderstanding!"

"Yeah, Simba," Goofy said to the lion. "We didn't mean to interrupt you."

"You know him?" Axel asked Goofy.

Before Goofy could answer, Kairi jumped out of her hiding place. She struck Simba over the head with a long stick.

"Ow!" Simba jumped off of Axel and covered his head with his fore paws. "What was that for?"

"It doesn't matter," said Kairi, "it's in the past."

"Yeah, but it hurts."

"The past does hurt, but you can run from it, or learn from it." Kairi swung the stick again and Simba ducked the second blow. "See, now what are going to do?"

"First, I'm taking your stick." Simba pulled the stick out of Kairi's hands with jaws and flung it aside.

"Hey!"

Goofy burst into laughter. "Simba, it's good to see you again. Hakuna Matata!"

"Hakuna Matata, Goofy," said Simba.

Kairi stared at Goofy. "You know him?"

"That's what I asked," said Axel, struggling to sit up in his costume. All what he could do was wriggle on the ground. "Now, can someone please help me up?"

Goofy and Kairi grabbed Axel's arms to pull the Organization member to his feet. Axel brushed the dust off his arms and glared at Simba for the pounce.

"Sora, Donald and I helped Simba regain Pride Rock," said Goofy. "Isn't that right, Simba?"

"Yeah," answered Simba. "I know that we won the Pride Lands back from Scar, but…"

"But what?"

"Well… I… I lack the courage my father had when he ruled the Pride Lands… I just don't think I have enough confidence to lead the pride."

"Is that why your in this parody?" asked Kairi.

Simba bowed his head. "Yes."

_FLASHBACK_

"You summoned me for this?" asked Simba. He stared at the set for his scene and glanced back at Sora.

"Of course," answered Sora. "You are the only talking lion I know, which makes you suitable for this part."

"I understand the talking lion part, but cowardly?"

"You remember when you were doubting your leadership over the Pride Lands? Maybe you can act that way, feel that you don't have the confidence to do anything." Sora grinned. "I'm sure you'll do a damn fine job in this parody!"

"You're right, I still feel nervous about the whole leadership thing." Simba shrugged. "What the Hell? I can give this acting a try."

"Good, once this is over, you'll be feeling better about the confidence."

"Is everyone ready?" asked the author.

"Simba's ready for it," answered Sora, giving the author two thumbs up.

"Excellent. Simba, you just have to sit on the yellow brick road and wait for Kairi's group to arrive and shout at the sight of you. Then, you roar and attempt attacking the group. Kairi will know what to do from there."

"What the Hell is she going to do?" asked Sora.

"You'll find out."

"Whatever," said Simba. The lion sat on the yellow brick road and began to groom himself. He licked at his paws, hind legs and the area between.

"Yuck," said Sora when he saw where Simba was licking.

"Cats do that," said the author.

_END FLASHBACK_

"So that's it?" asked Kairi. Simba only nodded in reply.

"Why not ask the wizard for courage?" asked Axel sarcastically.

"Would it work?" asked Simba.

"Sure it would," answered Goofy, in his optimistic tone. "Kairi will be asking to be sent home, I'm getting a brain and Axel is getting a heart."

"Then I'll go with you and ask this wizard for courage."

"Let's get out of this damn jungle first," said Kairi. "The stench is getting in my hair! It smells like decaying meat!"

Simba sniffed the air. "Where is it coming from?"

Pluto sniffed the air and gagged.

Behind the bushes and trees, Riku was flinging dead fish and decayed road kill on the ground.

"This is so gross," moaned Riku. "I just had a bath, only to do more dirty work after. Getting rid of the dead animal smell will take a longer time than sweat."

Back with the company, Axel impatiently tapped his foot. Kairi's complaining was getting on his nerves.

"If you can't stand the smell," said Axel, "quit your damn complaining and just go!"

"Alright!" said Kairi.

With Simba joining the company, they marched out of the jungle. However, they were unaware of the danger that lay ahead.

In the tower of a dark, wretched castle, Maleficent was plotting a new trap. She gazed at her crystal ball on the pedestal, watching the image of Kairi, Goofy, Pluto, Axel and Simba leaving the jungle.

"So those fools think they can reach the Emerald City?" she asked the winged Heartless monkey that lingered at one corner of the room. "We'll see about that."

Maleficent reached her hand over the crystal ball and slowly wriggled her fingers. The image in the ball changed from the jungle to a field of multi-colored flowers.

"Poppies," the witch hissed. She waved her hand in circles over the crystal ball. "Poppies to make them sleepy, or sneeze in case one of them is allergic." She cackled at the wicked spell she was casting. "This spell will surely stop them!"

The Heartless winged monkey jumped up and down, clapping its paws with delight.

On the set for the next scene, Sora and the author were planning the situation for the poppy field. The both of them had bandanas covering their lower faces like masks.

"My face is getting hot beneath this damn thing," moaned the muffled voice of Sora.

"It's to protect ourselves from inhaling the pollen," said the author. "Maleficent cast a spell on the poppies to make people sleepy, or sneeze for anyone with allergies."

"So what will happen here?"

"The gang will be running through the poppy field to reach Emerald City, but the spell of the poppies will take effect. There will be lots of shouting and perhaps whining in the next scene."

"I hope Kairi won't be the one whining, she drives me nuts when she does."

"Don't worry, I think the whining will come from someone else."

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** There it is for chapter six, the whole gang has been introduced. Chapter seven is where they get in a bad situation with poppies. Hope everyone is enjoying this weird parody.


	7. Curse of the Poppies

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me, I'm not making profit off of this, just writing it for fun.

**Note:** Let's see how well the whiners can hold out with the curse of the poppies.

* * *

_Chapter 7: Curse of the Poppies_

When everyone had left the jungle, they had arrived to the poppy field. On the opposite side from them, it was the Emerald City.

"Finally!" cried Kairi with her arms outstretched above her head.

"Golly! It's the Emerald City," said Goofy. He grinned from ear to ear.

"You know that's only a miniature, right?" asked Axel, indicating to the green buildings on the opposite side of the field.

"Just follow the damn script," said both Sora and the author.

"Whatever," grumbled Axel.

"What are we waiting for?" asked Simba. "We just have to cross this field of multicolored flowers to reach the city."

"Last one there is a rotten egg!" shouted Kairi. She began to race across the field.

Simba raced after Kairi. "You heard her, come on!"

"Wait up for me!" shouted Goofy. He and Pluto ran after Kairi and Simba.

"Why the hell must I be last?" moaned Axel. He lumbered behind everyone, running as fast as his costume would allow. The metal clanked with every step.

"We're almost there," squealed Kairi as she ran towards the buildings.

"Come on," said Goofy. "We gotta hurry!"

"I'm coming!" Axel shouted. "This damn costume is too heavy to run in!"

They were barely half way across when Kairi suddenly stopped.

"Damn it," she moaned. "I can't go any longer. My feet are burning again and I feel so sleepy." She sat on the ground. "I think I'll rest a bit." Kairi curled up into a ball and fell asleep. Pluto dropped asleep on the ground next to her.

"Kairi," said Goofy, "this isn't the time to nap."

Simba let out a big yawn. "I think I'll take a rest as well." He lay down on his belly, resting his head on his forepaws as he dozed off.

"Oh no, not you too," groaned Goofy.

Axel let out a big sneeze. "Oh crap," he moaned. "I must be allergic to the poppies. Why me?" He shook his fists at the sky. "Why must I be the one with damn allergies?" The Organization member let out another sneeze. "Damn this parody!"

"No time to complain," said Goofy. "We gotta wake up Kairi!" He tried to shake Kairi awake. "Come on Kairi, you gotta get up!"

"That witch, Maleficent, is behind this," groaned Axel after another sneeze. "This is another damn trap of hers. Curse that wicked witch to HELL!" Axel sneezed again.

"You're not helping by cursing like that! Gawrsh, can't we just calm down and plan a way out of this?"

"Calm down? For crying out loud, we're under Maleficent's spell! Kairi, the dog, and the lion are asleep and I can't stop sneezing! ACHOO! That witch must burn in the fires of HELL!" Axel took out his rings and set several poppies a blaze with a Firaga spell.

"Wow," said Sora, watching the scene. "Axel is pissed and Goofy seems to be the only sane one while everyone else is snoozing."

"It's in the story line," explained the author. "The Scarecrow and the Tin Man remain unaffected by the spell, the Scarecrow tries to get everyone to snap out of the spell while the Tin Man panics. In this parody, Axel is probably just allergic to the poppies, which is pissing him off. Goofy, on the other hand, is… uh… himself."

"That kinda explains everything."

Back at the scene, Axel was still sneezing and cursing Maleficent's name. Goofy was still trying to wake up Kairi. Then, it began to snow.

"Hey, it's snowing!" shouted Goofy.

"How the hell can it be snowing here?" asked Axel.

Unknown to them, the Fairy Godmother was casting a Blizzaga spell on the poppies, breaking Maleficent's spell. Snow fell at a rapid pace, covering the poppies and the characters in the scene.

Kairi sat up with a groan. "I don't wanna go to school today."

"Kairi, you're awake!" shouted Goofy excitedly.

"What's going on?" asked Simba as he stretched out of is lying position and shook the snow out of his mane.

Pluto got up and shook the snow off his fur.

"We better get out of here," said Goofy. "You guys fell under Maleficent's spell."

"I thought she made sleeping spells differently," said Kairi. "You know the sharp needle of the spinning wheel? If touched, the spell takes effect."

Goofy shrugged. "Probably wouldn't work because no one would touch a sharp needle, it would hurt. Now come on, we gotta get to the city."

"Hello!" shouted Axel. "Can't you see that I'm frozen in this damn costume again?"

"Sorry Axel," said Goofy, "we'll get you fixed up in no time!"

"Hurry! My ass is starting to itch!"

"Stop whining," said Kairi.

Maleficent watched Kairi and Goofy oil Axel's costume through the crystal ball. The witch was furious that her plan failed.

"So they had help out of that one," Maleficent hissed. "Seems I will have to take drastic actions!"

She approached the window and spread out her arms.

"I shall go to the Emerald City and take care of things!" She said to the winged Heartless monkey that lingered in the tower. Maleficent disappeared in a puff of green smoke.

"What will she do?" asked Sora.

"She makes another threat," replied the author.

"Oh."

"Guys," moaned Riku, "the stench will never go away!"

"Luckily Sora and I are still wearing our masks," said the author mockingly.

"You're mean!"

"Just go wash your hands and get into a costume, you'll be of use in the next scene."

"Alright." Riku marched to the change room to prepare for the next scene.

"Oh no," groaned Sora, "the next scene is where they all get pampered and treated like royalty. I was hoping to see more suffering!"

"There will be more suffering," said the author, "after the pampering."

Sora flung off his mask. "Yeah!"

_To be continued...

* * *

_ **Endnote: **So they got through the poppies with Axel doing a lot of cursing and complaining. Next chapter, there will be some humor before and after they get a royal treatment.


	8. The Royal and Not So Royal Treatment

**Title:** **Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me. I don't own any rights to the films I'm making fun of in this chapter.

**Note:** There will be some movie references, I will list the titles at the end. Better to let people guess before giving away information.

* * *

_Chapter 8: The Royal and Not So Royal Treatment_

They reached the front gate of the Emerald City. Goofy went up to the gate and used the doorknocker to knock three times. A small window opened beside the gate. Sitting at the window was Vivi.

"Can I help you?" asked the black mage.

"We're here to see the wizard," said Axel.

"I'm afraid he's busy," said Vivi.

"It's urgent," said Kairi. "I was sent by the Fairy Godmother to come here!"

"She's got the ruby slippers," said Goofy, pointing to Kairi's feet.

"They're burning my feet like Hell," added Kairi.

"Why didn't you mention it before?" asked Vivi. "Hold on, I'll open the gate." He pulled a tiny lever and the gate swung open.

"Wow…" everyone said when they saw the city within. Just as Kairi was about to make a move in, the gate slammed shut.

"What the Hell?" Kairi shrieked.

Vivi was bursting with laughter. "You all thought I was going to let you in!" he cried. "You were so amazed and then it slams shut in your face!"

"That wasn't nice," said Simba.

"You punk," grumbled Axel.

"I was only joking," said Vivi. "Here, I'll let you in for real!"

The gate opened again. Goofy decided to take the first step inside, but the gate slammed shut again.

"Hey!" shouted Goofy, jumping back.

"You dummies fell for it again!" laughed Vivi.

"Who you calling dummies?" asked Axel angrily. "You think it's funny pulling these rotten jokes on us? Maybe I should force you to open the damn gate!" He cast a Firaga spell on Vivi.

"Ow!" screamed Vivi. "Okay, I'll open the gate! Don't kill me!"

The gate opened for a third time. Everyone quietly passed through, Axel remaining behind to give Vivi a warning glare. The black mage was cowering at his post until Axel had stomped through the entrance.

When Axel disappeared, Vivi closed the gate and sighed with relief.

Sora, watching the scene, was clutching his gut and laughing very hard.

"Holy shit," he choked. "Never knew that Vivi was capable of such pranks!"

"I told him to pull the little joke," said the author. "If they started using force, he should open the gate to save his own ass."

Inside the city, Kairi, Pluto, Goofy, Axel and Simba were staring at their surroundings. As they were admiring everything, they were greeted by Cid driving a horse drawn wagon.

"Need a lift?" asked Cid.

"Yeah," said Kairi. "We need to see the Wizard."

"The Wizard eh? Well, I can't take you directly to the Wizard, but I can take you all where you can be made presentable. You can't go see the Wizard in the condition you're all in."

Everyone glanced at themselves. Kairi's hands were smudged with dirt and there were small rips in her skirt. Straw from Goofy's costume was hanging out from places. Axel's costume was covered with dents and scratches. Simba and Pluto were both covered in dust.

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "we sure can't present ourselves like this."

"I'm disgusting," moaned Kairi.

"Must bathe," groaned Simba. He began grooming himself, licking his back and hind legs.

"Knock it off," said Cid. "Get on, I'll take you to some people who can freshen you up."

Everyone gathered in the back of the wagon. It was tricky for Axel because he couldn't climb well in his costume and the weight was throwing everything off balance. The wagon was quickly balanced when Simba jumped into the very back to counter Axel's weight. Cid gently whipped the horse to set the wagon in motion.

"What kind of horse is that?" asked Kairi, pointing at the winged horse pulling the wagon.

"That's Pegasus," answered Cid. "He's from the Coliseum, he's just appearing here because he's the only magical horse that appeared in _Kingdom Hearts II_."

Pegasus snorted at the remark and trotted a little faster to the destination. As the wagon approached a strange looking shop, Cid commanded Pegasus to stop.

"Here we are," explained Cid. "The folks there can prepare you all to see the wizard."

"Thanks for the lift, Cid," said Goofy as he got off the wagon with everyone.

"No problem." Cid drove off, leaving everyone to get themselves prepared.

* * *

"You are a mess!" Aerith said with her hands on her hips and eyeing Kairi from head to foot. "No matter, I shall have you cleaned up in a jiffy! My assistants will take care of those tears in your skirt." She placed her thumb and forefinger to her lips a whistled. Yuna, Rikku, and Payne flew in on command. 

"We're here," squeaked Yuna.

"Good, you three work on her skirts by stitching up the rips. I'm going to work on her hair while she washes her hands."

"My hands are dirty," said Kairi. "Where do I wash them?"

"Here," Aerith tossed a packet of lemon scented sanitary napkins. "Just wipe your hands with it."

Kairi caught the packet. "Simple enough." She began rubbing her hands with the sanitary napkins, removing dirt and leaving lemon scent. Behind her stood Aerith, combing Kairi's red locks. Yuna, Rikku, and Payne took tiny needles and began stitching Kairi's skirt.

"You're doing it wrong," Yuna said to Rikku. "You have to make the stitching less noticeable."

"I'm trying to," said Rikku. She worked her needle through the fabric and accidentally nicked Kairi's skin beneath.

"Ouch!" hissed Kairi.

"Sorry!" squeaked the tiny woman.

"No need to apologize to her," Payne whispered to Rikku.

"Ow," Kairi grunted, "you're pulling my hair!"

"Sorry," said Aerith, "you just have a big knot in your hair. Hold still, I've got to get it out." She tugged the comb, despite Kairi's protesting, and Aerith pulled a huge clump of red, tangled hair out. "Holy cow, that's a nasty one!"

Kairi just moaned.

* * *

"Nice doggie," said Riku as he tried to get Pluto into a tub of water. Riku tried to shove and lift Pluto, but the dog wouldn't budge. 

"Oh, how the hell does the King make you take a bath?" Riku sighed. "How did I ever come to this?"

Pluto suddenly jumped into the tub, splashing Riku in the process.

"Ugh…" moaned Riku. His hair and clothes dripping with water.

* * *

"Man," said Pence, looking at Goofy, "you are a wreck!" 

"Don't worry about it," said Hayner. "We'll have you back in shape again."

"You know this is only a costume stuffed with straw, right?" asked Goofy.

"Yeah," answered Pence, "and it's a mess."

"Stand still with your arms out," said Hayner. Goofy did what he was told.

"This might tickle," Pence began stuffing the straw back into Goofy's costume around the sleeves and the collar.

"Hayuck! That tickles," giggled Goofy as Hayner worked on Goofy's ankles.

* * *

Leon looked at Axel from head to toe, letting out a low whistle. 

"Let me guess," said Axel, "I look like Hell in this crummy can."

"Not exactly," said Leon, "it's all of those scratches and dents on your can."

"If my can is damaged, then I'll take the can off." He was about to remove his costume but stopped when he caught Sora and the author staring at him. "Hehe, maybe not."

"Maybe you should relax," said Leon, "while I polish your can." He picked up a steel sponge and a can of polish from a nearby table and approached Axel.

"Please don't polish me," said Axel nervously. The Organization member tried to walk away but was held from behind by Cloud. "Oh shit."

"Leon," said Cloud, "do your worst."

"Oh I will," said Leon calmly.

"NO!" squealed Axel.

* * *

"Hello Simba," said Tifa and Yuffie with pleasant smiles to the lion. 

"Hi ladies," said Simba.

"Great Ninja Yuffie," said Yuffie, "here to give you a grooming you won't forget!"

"Tifa here," said Tifa, "I'm going to give you a massage you won't forget!"

"Wow," said Simba, "someone to groom and massage me. Bathing myself has been a pain lately."

"Just relax on the massage table," said Tifa, pointing to a white padded table. "Yuffie and I will take excellent care of you."

Simba got on the table and relaxed. "That would be great."

Yuffie got out a brush and ran it over Simba's mane and fur. Tifa cracked her knuckles and began to rub Simba's back. While they were at work, the lion purred.

"Oh yeah," said Simba. "Just a little higher... a bit to the right... oh that really hits it!" A dreamy look came over his face and the ladies giggled.

"Not a word to Nala about this," the author whispered to Sora.

"My lips are sealed," Sora did a zipper motion on his lips.

* * *

After the pampering and cleaning, the heroes were talking with the residents of Emerald City. All of a sudden, a girl screamed. 

"Oh my God!" the girl, Olette screamed. "Look! Look at the sky!" She pointed at the sky.

Up in the sky, large words were being written with smoke.

Maleficent cackled as she stood on a hill top, writing large smoke letters in the sky with her staff.

"It's that damn witch," cursed Axel, with his costume shiny and clean.

"Can't believe it," groaned Kairi, her scalp still feeling numb from getting her hair combed.

The message in the sky was completed: _SURRENDER KAIRI_.

"We must tell the wizard!" shouted Hayner.

"The wizard will know," said Pence.

A huge crowd gathered at a pair of large doors. There was lots of chattering and gossiping among everyone. Kairi, Pluto, Goofy, Axel and Simba were pushing their way through to see what was going on.

"Back off," said the unmistakable voice of Donald Duck. "No one must disturb the wizard, he's busy!" Donald was wearing a fuzzy green hat with matching mitts, he was shooing back the crowd with his staff.

"Hey," said Kairi as the crowd cleared away. "We have to see the wizard, I'm the one Maleficent's after."

"Yeah, Donald," said Goofy, "can't you see the ruby slippers on Kairi's feet?"

"I see them, you big palooka!" quacked Donald.

"Come on, Donald," Goofy pleaded. "Can't you tell the wizard that we have to talk to him?"

"Mind if I roast the duck?" Axel whispered.

"I heard that!" Donald yelled. "Alright, I'll send your message to the wizard, just wait!"

"Thank you," said Kairi in an annoyed tone. She watched Donald march through the doors and slam them behind him.

"What a grouchy duck," grumbled Axel. "Can't believe that Sora can put up with him."

"He can be a pain in the kisser," said Goofy, "but Donald has his uses."

"I see what you mean," agreed Simba.

Donald burst back through the door. "The wizard says _go away_!" He disappeared behind the door with a huge slam.

"Go away?" everyone asked at once.

"Oh bugger," said Goofy with disappointment.

"What the hell is wrong with this fucked up world?" screamed Kairi. "Here I am, I've been chased by Maleficent, my feet are killing me, most of my hair has been yanked out and I don't get my only chance out of here! My Grandmother is worried sick about me and I'm here being treated like shit!"

"Calm down, Kairi," said Goofy.

"Cursing like that sure doesn't help," said Axel.

"Why does this crappy day become worse and worse for me?" groaned Kairi. "The wizard doesn't wanna help me? Then he can go to Hell."

Donald listened through the doorway, feeling very annoyed about Kairi. "They call me annoying," he said to himself.

Kairi continued her rant. "I mean, if this guy is so powerful, why can't he just help people instead of keeping cooped up in his tower like a crazed mad scientist. Why the hell must everyone look up to him when he thinks himself too important? If you ask me, this guy must be a damn fraud!"

"He's not a fraud!" shouted Donald, coming out of the doorway. "You wanna speak to him, just go ahead, but say no more bad stuff about him!"

"Golly," cried Goofy, "thanks a lot, Donald!"

"Don't mention it!" Donald opened the doors and everyone was staring down a long, dark hall.

"Okay," said Axel, "who wants to go down the dark, creepy tunnel first?"

"Something about it makes me nervous," said Simba.

"Come on guys," said Kairi, storming down the hall. "Let's give the wizard a piece of our minds."

"I would if I had one," said Goofy. He and the others followed after Kairi. At the end of the hall, who knew what waited for them, since they had no idea what the wizard looked like.

"Oh my," said Sora. "I can't wait for them to cower like idiots before the wizard."

"That reminds me," said the author. "We have to set up a hologram for the next seen. Something that will make them jump."

"I have an idea."

"You do?"

"Yeah," said Sora, taking the author by the hand, "come with me."

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** Next chapter, they meet the wizard. Yeah, Vivi shutting the gate on them was a reference to _Robots_, which made fun of the _Wizard of Oz_. Axel quotes the film _National Treasure_ near the end. I love using movie quotes!


	9. The Not So Great Wizard

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me, and the Monty Python reference doesn't belong to me either.

**Note:** This chapter might be a little weird, because the characters are going to be shaky before a spooky hologram.

* * *

_Chapter 9: The Not So Great Wizard_

The story continues with the heroes walking down a dark, long corridor to meet with the wizard at the end. Even though it was a wide corridor for a bunch of people to fit in, the heroes were grouped tightly together.

"It's freezing in here," groaned Kairi.

"Oh stop complaining," said Axel.

"It does feel chilly in here," said Simba, "and I sure don't like the smell of this place."

"There's no turning back," said Goofy. "We just gotta stick together, speak with the wizard, and we'll be fine."

"I wish I had your optimism," said Axel.

"Guys," said Simba as he stopped walking, "I think you should go ahead without me. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable about this."

Kairi placed her hands on her hips. "Don't be such a big scaredy cat," she said. "We're all going to see the wizard, and that includes you too! So stop being a big pussy or we will drag you by the tail!"

"Yes, miss," said the lion, taking a big gulp.

They continued walking down the large corridor, until they came across a pair of large doors.

"Hope the wizard is waiting right behind these doors," said Axel. "I can't stand walking forever in this stupid can!"

"Here goes nothing," said Kairi as she approached the doors. She sucked in a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Enter!" shouted a menacing voice on the other side of the door.

The doors swung open and everyone entered a large room. Across the room was a pair of large torches, but behind the torches was what looked like a large mirror. In the center of the mirror was a green face that resembled a theatrical mask, the empty eyes locked on the small group.

"I am OZ! The great and powerful OZ!" the face shouted.

Everyone immediately bowed to the mirror.

"Oh stop bowing, I can't stand it!" Everyone quickly stood up.

"Sorry," squeaked Kairi.

"And don't apologize! It's annoying, always 'I'm sorry' this, 'Forgive me' that, and 'I'm not worthy'!"

"Guess the magical mirror from _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves_ really does spook them," the author whispered to Sora.

"Thought it would make a sweet hologram," said Sora. "Snow mentioned the mirror to me back when I sealed the door in Radiant Garden, formally known as Hollow Bastion."

Back at the scene, the characters did not know the mirror was a hologram since they were staring wide-eyed and scared stiff as stone. Flames and smoke erupted from the torches and the mirror stared down at everyone.

"Kairi," it called, "come forward!"

"Oh shit," whimpered Kairi as she tiptoed forward from the party. "Yes?" she asked.

"You came to me so you can be sent home?" asked the hologram.

"I was told to speak with you," answered Kairi. "The Fairy Godmother said that you can help me! So help me damn it!"

"It's not that simple!" the mirror boomed. "Just because the Fairy Godmother told you to and that you have the ruby slippers does not make you any more special than all the other fools in this city! NEXT!"

"What a jerk," grumbled Kairi as she stepped back.

"Goofy, come forward!"

"Yikes!" yelped Goofy as he stumbled and fell to his knees. He stared at the hologram, shaking so hard that his teeth chattered.

"You came to ask for a brain?"

"Yeah, I was hoping you can do something about that."

"FORGET IT! I don't have time to just give out brains to nitwits! NEXT!"

"Gawrsh," groaned Goofy as he retreated backward.

"Axel, come forward!"

"Yes sir," said Axel. He walked forward, clutching onto his weapons like a life preserver. The Organization member shivered, his metal costume vibrating.

"You came to ask for a heart, Nobody?"

"Damn right I did!"

"Impossible! I don't have the time to find a heart for some Nobody, I would have to open Kingdom Hearts itself! NEXT!"

"And they call Organization XIII cold and cruel," Axel grumbled to himself as he stepped back.

"Simba, come forward!"

The lion came forward with his head down and tail between his hind legs.

"You came to ask for courage?"

"Yes," Simba answered meekly.

"Fool! You can't get courage by asking for it! Very pathetic for a lion! You couldn't pounce on an ass if it was in front of you!" Large flames erupted from the torches and Simba winced.

"Hey!" Kairi shouted at the hologram. "How dare you talk to Simba like that! You horrible son of a bitch!"

"Watch that loud mouth of yours!" the hologram shouted back. "I don't have time to help runts like you and your cronies!"

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "isn't there a way you can help us? Please?"

"Very well," the hologram said calmly, "I can only help you if you do me a favor. Bring me the staff of Maleficent!"

"Are you shitting me?" asked Axel. "We'd have to kill Maleficent to get her damn staff!"

"Don't you dare question my offer!" More flames erupted. "Take it or forget it!"

"What if she kills us first?" asked Simba.

"Then good riddance!"

Simba, feeling offended, ran through the open doors and back down the hall. The lion smashed through the nearest window, while everyone tried to catch up to him.

"Simba, come back!" shouted Kairi.

"No use," said Goofy, "he's too far ahead. He sure was upset how that mean, old wizard spoke to him."

"Yeah," said Axel, feeling grouchy, "now we're doing the wizard a favor! Getting the freaking staff of Maleficent!"

"We have no choice," said Kairi, "we made a deal with the wizard and we are sticking to it." She slammed her fist in her open hand. "First, we find Simba, then we prepare ourselves with the best weapons we have, and then we march over to Maleficent's castle and kill that wicked witch!"

"That's the spirit," said Goofy cheerfully.

"Whatever," said Axel. After they talked, the heroes went in search for their run away friend. Then they would have to make a perilous journey to Maleficent's castle.

Sora rubbed his hands together with glee. "I can't wait for them to get to the spooky forest." He and the author had placed the warning sign in the scary forest set.

"Luckily," said the author, "we got some live bats and ravens from Halloween Town for the scene. Thanks to your friend, Jack Skellington."

"Yeah, and the warning sign I brought here was made in Halloween Town. Jack was right about scaring people being so much fun!" Just then, a blob of white goo plopped on Sora's head. "Yuck!"

The raven sitting in the tree branch, above Sora's head, squawked and flew away.

"Sorry about that," said the author. "Birds can't exactly hold their droppings. Best you go wash that gunk out of your hair."

"I will." Sora marched to the change room to take another shower.

The author studied the set for a minute. "Hmm… this scary forest could use some mist and creepy sounds."

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote: ** They finally met the wizard, now they have to do the wizard a favor. Stay tuned, the characters will be entering the creepy forest in the next chapter.


	10. The Haunted Forest

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me.

**Note:** They're at the haunted forest now, where they'll have to deal with screeching bats, plopping ravens and a surprise attack from the Heartless!

* * *

_Chapter 10: The Haunted Forest_

The party had just entered the forest, armed with weapons to tackle enemies. Kairi with her flower ornamented Keyblade, Goofy with his shield, Axel with his spiked rings, Simba with his teeth and claws, and Pluto with just his teeth. Keeping close together, the group walked through a tangle of black, twisted trees as mist swirled above the ground.

"This place is giving me the creeps," said Kairi.

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "this place looks an awful lot like Halloween Town, but it feels more depressing."

"Gross!" said Axel when a raven dropping plopped on his shoulder. He glared up at the raven in the tree branch above him. "Stupid birds!"

"I thought you hated your costume," said Kairi.

"I do hate it! I just don't like birds taking a shit on me!"

"Then maybe Goofy should walk ahead to scare the ravens off!"

"Wish I could, Kairi," said Goofy, "but I'm a scare_crow_ and not a good one because I can't even scare a crow off!"

"Alright!"

Simba winced when a bunch of bats flew above the group. "Bats! I hate bats!" He looked at one tree where bats were hanging upside down from the branches, watching with beady red eyes. "Ew!"

"Stop fussing," said Kairi, "the bats aren't going to hurt you!" She heard the bats terrible screeches. "But they are sure damn noisy!"

"Hey," said Goofy, "take a look at this sign!" He pointed to a sign ahead of them.

There was a sign on a wooden pole in the ground. In red paint were words that read: _Warning: Maleficent's Castle is this way (an arrow pointing upward), I would turn back if I were you_.

"Good idea," said Simba as he turned around to head back.

"Don't think about it," said Axel, grabbing Simba by the tail. "We made a deal with the wizard and we have to stick to it."

"Okay, just don't drag me by the tail! However, in case we all die, I just want to do something." Simba sat down and began licking his genitals.

"That's gross," said Kairi.

"Might as well be done with it before I die!"

Pluto, following Simba's example, ran to the sign. The dog sniffed at the wooden pole then did his business.

"Oh Pluto," Kairi moaned.

There was a terrifying howl in the distance, which was on a stereo that the author set up for the creepy sounds, causing everyone to freeze still. They all exchanged looks, barely breathing.

"I for one," said Axel, "think we should get the hell moving and do that witch in!"

"I agree," said Goofy.

"Let's go," said Kairi. The heroes kept close together as they ventured deeper into the forest.

Sora had charged out of the change room, wearing only a bathrobe, and ran quickly to the author's side. "What did I miss?"

"Axel got plopped on," said the author, "Simba licked himself between the hind legs, Pluto took a pee on the sign and they are proceeding through the forest."

"I missed Axel getting plopped on?" Sora bowed his head and sulked. "Well, at least I can do without seeing Simba lick himself and Pluto urinating."

"Don't worry, more fun will be ahead!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in Maleficent's castle, the witch was watching the heroes venture into the woods through her crystal ball. 

"Those wretched fools!" Maleficent sneered. "Thinking they can just barge into my castle!" A cruel smile came to her face as looked at the vision of Kairi. "Well, at least they have brought the ruby slippers directly to where I can take them!"

She approached the window where a Heartless winged monkey was perched. Maleficent was cackling as she gave her instructions.

"The girl carries something of great value," she said, "bring her here, alive and unspoiled! Kill the others!"

The Heartless winged monkey flew out the window. Joining that Heartless were more enemies just like it. They blackened the sky with their swarms.

"Fly my pretties!" Maleficent shrieked. "Fly!" She cackled as the Heartless flew off to their mission.

* * *

Back in the forest, Axel and Kairi broke out into arguments over who got them lost. 

"It's not _my_ fault!" Kairi shouted at Axel. "The stupid sign doesn't give much direction!"

"The sign read to go straight ahead!" Axel exclaimed. "You keep leading us in circles!"

"I am not!"

"You are so!"

"Am not!"

"Are so!"

"Not!"

"So!"

"Not!"

"So!"

"You guys!" Goofy and Simba shouted. Kairi and Axel had stopped arguing.

"What?" asked Kairi irritably.

"There's no good arguing like this," said Goofy.

"We should be more aware of any danger," said Simba. He sniffed the air and his ears twitched. "There's a strange smell, but I can't tell what it is and I don't hear any bats or ravens."

"You're just being paranoid," said Axel. Just then he was being lifted off the ground by some unseen force.

"Hey, you're flying!" said Goofy.

"I'm not flying!" Axel looked down at everyone. "What the hell is going on?"

"Oh my God!" yelped Kairi as Axel disappeared through the tree branches.

**CLANG!**

Axel had fell several feet away from everyone else. The fall made him dizzy but very pissed off; he was on his back and couldn't get up due to his costume.

"You okay?" asked Simba.

"No," said Axel with his voice full of rage. He was helped to his feet by Goofy. "Whatever did that to me, I'll kill it!"

There was a large sound of flapping and a whole bunch of winged Heartless monkeys came swarming down on everyone.

"Holy shit!" screamed Kairi. "Heartless!"

"Come on everyone," said Goofy. "We got to fight!"

They were all locked in combat with the Heartless. Kairi swung her Keyblade at Heartless that came near her. Axel spun his rings around his arms to attack; he swiped at enemies as best as his costume would allow. Goofy used his shield to deflect enemy attacks, then throw his shield like a boomerang at distant enemies. Simba and Pluto pounced on the Heartless that came too close to the ground. No matter how much they fought, more Heartless monkeys were attacking.

"God damn it!" Axel yelled. "There's too many of them!"

"Stop whining!" shouted Kairi. While she was fighting, a pair of winged Heartless monkeys grabbed her by the arms and flew off. "Ah, put me down!" she screamed, kicking her feet.

Pluto ran after the Heartless that snatched Kairi. Suddenly, the dog's feet were pawing at thin air as one Heartless grabbed him by the midsection and flew up.

"Oh no!" shouted Goofy. "They've taken Kairi and Pluto!" He tried to fight through the Heartless to help Kairi and Pluto but a hard blow to the crotch sent him flying back upwards. "YAH-HOO-HOO-EEE!"

"Get away from me, you bastards!" Axel screamed as he made deadly blows at the Heartless as they retreated.

"Nasty Heartless," groaned Simba as he chased off the last few Heartless. "Look what they did to my mane!" The lion's mane was full of twigs and dirt.

"Did I ever tell you that I think you're too vain?" asked Axel, relaxing to his usual pose after the battle.

"No."

"Then I'm telling you now, you self-centered pussy! Got it memorized?"

"Guys," said Goofy.

Axel and Simba looked up to see Goofy hanging by the back of his polka-dotted underpants from a tree branch, giving him a big wedgie.

"Nice underwear," said Axel sarcastically.

"No time for jokes," said Goofy. "They took Kairi and placed me up here! Help me down, we got to find Kairi!"

"Keep your pants on," said Axel, causing Simba, Sora and the author to giggle. "We'll get you down faster than you'll know it!" He threw one of his rings upward and it cut the branch that Goofy hung from, causing Goofy to fall face first on the ground.

"Ouch," moaned Goofy.

Sora was clutching his gut. "Oh man," he laughed. "Poor Goofy, he just keeps getting humiliated!"

"Indeed," said the author.

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** So there's the haunted woods for everyone. An attack from the Heartless, Kairi and Pluto are snatched away and Goofy gets humiliated. Next chapter, Kairi tries to take on Maleficent!


	11. Capture and Mountain Climbing

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me.

**Note:** Thanks to everyone who has been reading so far. I'm sure you are all excited to see how Kairi handles being captured by mean, old Maleficent. Oh yeah, someone accused me of stealing the idea of random author/director character, which I knew nothing of when I started writing this. I must inform people that I, Drakena, am the author of this story, so I'll just refer to myself and not just the author from now on.

* * *

_Chapter 11: Capture and Mountain Climbing_

The winged Heartless monkeys (Powerwilds with wings) dropped Kairi and Pluto in the circular chamber of the tower. Maleficent was standing near the crystal ball where she had been waiting for Kairi's arrival.

"I've got you, my pretty," said the witch, "and your little dog too!"

"You made a mistake, Maleficent," said Kairi coldly, "because I intend to kill you! YAH!" She charged toward Maleficent with her Keyblade.

"Stopaga!" Maleficent shrieked as she waved her staff to stop Kairi in mid run. Kairi was standing stiff as a statue, in a pose of taking a long stride, only her eyes could still move and she was still able to speak.

"You witch!" screamed Kairi.

Pluto began to bark at Maleficent, but the witch ignored the dog and approached Kairi.

"You little fool," the witch said mockingly. "You might have a Key, but you're still no match against me! Now I can take what is my right!" She bent over to remove the ruby slippers from Kairi's feet, but there was a pink barrier of energy that formed around the slippers, which caused Maleficent to rear away with a hiss.

"Nah nah nah nah nah nah!" mocked Kairi. "You can't get the slippers!"

"Don't you dare mock me!" Maleficent, with hatred glowing in her yellow eyes, towered over Kairi. "It seems the power of your heart is preventing me from taking the slippers from you!" The witch stroked her chin thoughtfully. "However, if I were to find a way for your heart to be consumed by Darkness, I can take the ruby slippers once and for all!"

"You're crazy!"

Pluto barked even louder at Maleficent.

"I've had enough of you, mutt!" Maleficent said wickedly as she advanced on Pluto. "Now you will see what happens to mischievous dogs!"

"Pluto," shouted Kairi, "run for it!"

The dog did as he was told and ran right past Maleficent and out the door, which was left open because Maleficent forgot to close it.

"Damn that mutt!" Maleficent screamed, blasting Firaga spells at Pluto but every shot missed the dog as he ran down the stairs.

When Pluto reached the bottom of the stairs, he was being swarmed by Heartless Soldiers and Large Bodies. As the Heartless closed in, Pluto jumped out of the way causing the enemies to ram into each other. Pluto ran down the corridor to the entrance where the drawbridge was being lifted to prevent escape. Taking a chance, the dog ran up the bridge and leapt across the gap and landed safely on the other side. Pluto forced a grin at the drawbridge, then ran towards the mountains to find the others.

"Ha!" laughed Kairi. "Pluto got away and he's going to get the others! When they get here, they'll kick your ass!"

"Watch your mouth!" Maleficent screeched. "Your friends won't make it on time to help you!" She grabbed a large hourglass and flipped it so the sand would start falling. "You have until the sand runs out before the Darkness consumes you, then the ruby slippers will be mine!" She charged out the door, slamming it behind her.

"Oh shit," Kairi muttered as the Stopaga spell wore off. "This isn't good." She tried her Key on the door, but the Key couldn't undo the lock. "Damn, she must have placed a curse on the lock so I couldn't use my Key!"

Kairi began pacing the room. "Hope those guys get here on time to get me out of this heap instead of going at each other's throats! Holy crap, I have to keep my mind off of that stinking hour glass! Think something sexy! Think something sexy! Think something sexy! Oh, not working!"

"Kairi," said the familiar voice of Kairi's grandmother, "where are you?"

"Grandmother?" asked Kairi. She approached the crystal ball to find a vision of her grandmother looking very worried.

"Where in the world are you?" the voice of her grandmother continued.

"Oh, grandmother," groaned Kairi, "I'm in another stinking world! Can't you hear me through this damn crystal ball? I'm right here! Grandmother, I think I'm going crazy!"

Then the vision of her grandmother blurred out and there was Maleficent in the vision, cackling.

"Oh, grandmother! Oh, grandmother!" Maleficent shrieked in an imitation of Kairi's voice. The witch burst into laughter that caused Kairi's blood to freeze. Then the vision of Maleficent blurred away into darkness.

"Oh jeez," whimpered Kairi. "It's not the Darkness that worries me, it's how long I'll be able to keep my sanity!" She yanked her hair in frustration. "Must not let this place get to me!"

"I wonder how long Kairi will stay sane before the hourglass runs out," said Sora. "She seems very frustrated."

"It won't be long," said Drakena, the author of this crazy parody. "She'll eventually be cursing and pacing, but then the guys will find her shortly before she completely goes insane and the sand runs out."

* * *

Cut to the mountains where Pluto was heading. Goofy, Axel, and Simba were climbing over the rocks. Axel had the most difficulty with his costume, he stumbled on the rocks and grabbed Simba's tail to regain his footing.

"Hey!" roared Simba. "Stop yanking my tail!"

"Well sorry!" argued Axel. "I had to grab something!"

"Grabbing my tail hurts!"

"Guys," said Goofy, "we can't get over this mountain if we keep arguing!"

Axel grunted and released Simba's tail, grabbing onto ridges to pull himself up. The Organization member grumbled curses to himself.

"Sora," Drakena whispered, "you know what to do."

"With pleasure," said Sora with a grin. "Thundaga!" He raised his Key and a bolt of lightning struck at the mountain.

"Oh shit," groaned Axel. "That's not good, I'm wearing too much metal!"

"Stop whining," said Simba and Goofy.

Sora cast another bolt of lightning, this time it struck Axel through the cone on top of his head. The Nobody yelped in pain, then he began to roll down the mountain side, smashing into every obstacle.

"Ahh!" screamed Axel. There was a loud clang. "I HATE," a bang, "THIS," a crunch, "DAMN," a smash, "PARODY!" Axel's fall ended with a crash, he groaned and twitched in his battered costume.

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "that must have hurt!"

"He deserved it," muttered Simba. "He yanked my tail for the last time!"

"Axel, are you alright?"

"Remind me to kill that wicked author when this is over!" answered Axel, squirming to get up.

Sora gulped. "Drakena, Axel sounds very pissed off at you."

"He'll calm down when this is over," said Drakena with a wave of her hand. "I did tell him that you guys could hang around when the parody has ended."

"That's true."

"Come on, we have to help Axel up, or he will be very angry."

"Curse you all!" screamed Axel.

"Don't have a cow man," said Sora.

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** Sorry I took too long to update, I've been trying to get a part time job lately. So they have difficulty climbing the mountain and Kairi is going crazy. I should mention that Sora quotes Bart Simpson at the end, my favorite line. Next chapter, the guys will be kicking Heartless butt in their search for Kairi.


	12. Attack!

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me.

**Note:** I know I'm at the part where they have to put on disguises to get into the castle, it's tricky with Heartless, but I do have a whacky plan.

* * *

_Chapter 12: Attack!_

Cut back to the guys who have made it to the other side of the mountain. Axel, who had help from Sora and Drakena, finally made another tough climb up the mountain pass. The Organization member met with Goofy and Simba in a small rock shelter. From their little shelter, they could see Maleficent's castle looming dark and menacing. Then Pluto ran up to their shelter to meet them.

"Pluto!" said Goofy. "You're alright! Where's Kairi?"

Pluto lowered his head and let out a whimper.

"Oh no, she's in the castle?"

Pluto could only nod.

"Great," said Axel angrily. "She gets herself kidnapped again!"

"It's not her fault," said Goofy, "she wasn't that experienced in fighting Heartless. Besides, she's the one Maleficent wants. We just gotta go inside and find her."

"I'd hate to bust your bubble," said Simba, "but if you have been looking at the gates, they're heavily guarded by Heartless. We'll never get in!"

Down at the castle gates, there were dozens of Heartless marching on the drawbridge. The Heartless ranged from Shadows, Soldiers, Large Bodies, and up to Armors.

"They don't look too tough," said Axel. "I bet we could kick their asses."

"Yeah," said Goofy, "but a battle at the gates would alert Maleficent that we're here and we won't be able to get inside. We need a better plan."

As they were trying to form a plan, a Heartless Armor leapt upon them. Goofy brought out his shield, Axel with his rings, and Simba with his claws. They fought against the Armor until it collapsed into a pile of empty gauntlets, boots, chest plate and helmet.

"Hey, it's empty," said Goofy. "I thought that they turn into Health Point balls once you kill them."

"They turn into what?" asked Axel, arching his red brows. "Did you say _balls_?"

"Uh… never mind. I think we can use this to get inside without causing a ruckus."

"Jeez Goofy, didn't know you could think. So how the hell do we use this thing to get inside?"

As a reply, Goofy made a smirk.

* * *

At the drawbridge, there was a Heartless Armor wobbling with every step towards the gates. The Shadows wriggled the antennas with suspicion at the strange behavior. However, the Shadows did not notice Goofy, Pluto, Axel and Simba hiding within the Armor's husk. Simba was using all four paws to move the boots, on his back was Axel holding onto the gauntlets, Goofy sat on Axel's shoulders to occupy the helmet, and Pluto also occupied the helmet clinging to Goofy's back. 

"Walk straight ahead Simba," said Goofy, "the gates aren't that far ahead."

"I'm getting pooped," moaned Simba. "What if they catch us?"

"Calm down, they haven't noticed anything about us. Just keep going."

"Some plan," said Axel. "I'm wearing a heavy can and now I'm stuck in a bigger one with you guys!"

"Hush!" said Goofy. "We can't blow our cover now."

They all stumbled through the open gate with their cheesy disguise still holding together. The rest of the Heartless filed in behind, not even taking notice of a lion's tail swinging out beneath the Armor.

"Wow," said Sora with wide eyes, "can't believe they fooled those Heartless!"

"Yeah," said Drakena. "Never knew the disguise would be possible."

* * *

Once inside, they shed the terrible Armor pieces and began fighting off Heartless. Goofy did his tornado move, knocking down several Heartless. Axel swung his spiked rings and cast Firaga spells at enemies. Simba pounced at small Shadows. When the fight was over, Pluto began to bark and jump. 

"He wants us to follow him," said Goofy.

"That's because he knows where Kairi is," said Axel.

"Lead the way," Simba said to Pluto.

The dog ran up a stairway that led to where Kairi was held. On the way up, Goofy, Axel and Simba smashed and tore at Heartless that tried to stop them.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kairi was still pacing around, chanting to herself. 

"Don't think about the hourglass! Don't think about the hourglass! Don't think about the hourglass!" She continued to chant it until she stamped her foot furiously. "God damn it! These bloody shoes are killing my feet! Oh Darkness, take me now!"

Kairi dropped to her knees and began tugging at her hair. "Why the hell is this happening?" she groaned.

"Kairi, is that you?" asked the familiar voice of Goofy from the other side of the door.

"What the hell?" asked Kairi. She looked at the locked door. "Are you guys out there?"

"Damn right," said Axel, "we can't seem to open the door, stand back, we're breaking it down."

"Okay." Kairi noticed that the bottom half of the hourglass was almost full. "Hurry up, the hourglass isn't going any slower!"

* * *

Outside the door, they were deciding how to break the door down. 

"I say we burn it!" said Axel. "It's made of wood and will be easy to use Firaga spells on it."

"I was thinking of ramming the door," said Goofy. "Burning it would be a little dangerous. You know my costume's flammable."

"What would ramming it do? It would require a lot of force to pop it open, force that we don't have!"

"Guys!" shouted Kairi impatiently from the other side.

"Come on," said Simba. "I think using both methods would work. Axel burns the door and we can smash it down once the wood has burned through a bit."

"That will work," said Axel. "Firaga!" He cast a Firaga spell at the door, causing the wood to burst in flames.

"Do I smell smoke out there?" asked Kairi.

"We're just setting the door on fire," answered Simba.

"WHAT?"

"Alright," said Goofy, "on the count of three." He raised his shield in front of himself. "One, two, THREE!" With Axel and Simba, Goofy charged at the burning door.

Under the force of all three, the burning door shattered into pieces. Goofy, Axel and Simba all fell face forward on the floor in a pile, accidentally breaking the hourglass in their fall. Pluto excitedly jumped over them, wagging his tail, straight to Kairi.

"Pluto," said Kairi as Pluto jumped up and slobbered on her, "cut it out." Pluto did what he was told and got back down to all fours.

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, getting up on his feet, "glad that you're alright."

"Yeah, thanks to Pluto, who managed to find you all and bring you here. I was about to lose my freaking mind if you guys tried finding me on your own!"

"Now that we found Kairi," said Axel, "lets kill Maleficent and get it over with!"

"I agree," said Simba, "this place reeks!"

* * *

They ran down the stairs back into the hall, only to have many Heartless chasing them. Many of the enemies were Shadows, Soldiers, Large Bodies and winged Powerwilds. 

"Oh shit," said Kairi, "these guys aren't going to stop until they kill us all!"

"I have something to get rid of them," said Simba. He faced the Heartless and took in a deep breath.

**"ROAR!"**

Everyone covered their ears at the lion's roar. The Heartless stopped moving paralyzed by fear.

"Nice one, Simba!" cried Goofy. The Heartless began to advance on them again. "Oh golly!" Then he noticed a ring of torches hanging from the ceiling, right above the advancing Heartless. "Stand back!" He threw his shield like a boomerang at the rope holding the ring. The rope snapped and the torch ring came crashing down on the Heartless.

"That takes care of them," said Axel, "let's just get going before more come."

They continued running down the hall to find a dead end. There was a puff of smoke behind them. The heroes turned around and there stood Maleficent, cackling at them.

"You fools!" she said. "Do you possibly think you can out smart me?" Green fire blazed at the end of her staff. "How about a little fire, scarecrow?" She blasted Goofy with the flame, setting his sleeve on fire. Maleficent cackled as Goofy jumped in panic.

"Oh my God!" shouted Kairi. She had to help her friend, so she grabbed a bucket of water that was sitting on the floor. She splashed the water at Goofy, extinguishing the flame, but she also splashed Maleficent.

"Ah!" Maleficent screamed. She began sinking to the floor. "Now look what you've done! I'm melting, melting! No!" The witch melted until there was nothing but a pile of robes. Next to the pile, was the witch's staff lying on the floor.

"Whoa," said Kairi, "I killed her!"

"Why didn't I think of that when I fought her?" asked Sora.

Drakena shrugged. "I don't know, guess none of us realized that Maleficent had a weakness against water."

Back at the scene, Kairi picked up the staff and admired it like a trophy.

"Didn't know that killing her was so easy," said Kairi.

"Come on," said Axel, "we better get out of here. The Wizard will want that staff."

They cautiously walked around the pile of robes and headed for the gates. They all felt better about killing Maleficent.

"I guess that's it," said Sora. "They go to the Wizard and get what they want."

"Not literately," said Drakena. "The Wizard will agree to help Kairi, but what will happen shall surely piss Kairi off. Even more, what Kairi finds out at the end!"

"You are a mean author."

_To be continued…

* * *

_

**Endnote:** That was fun. Hoped everyone enjoyed the part where Maleficent melted. Next chapter, they actually get the Wizard to help them.


	13. There's No Place Like Home

**Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz**

**Disclaimer:** None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me.

**Note:** Dun, dun, dun! It's the last chapter! They give that mean wizard the staff and seal the deal.

* * *

_Chapter 13: There's No Place Like Home_

Kairi, Goofy, Axel, Simba, and Pluto came into the room where they had met the wizard. The hologram of the mirror glared at them from across the room.

"What do you want?" the hologram demanded.

"To finish the bargain," said Kairi. "Here is Maleficent's staff!" She placed the staff on the floor before her.

Flames erupted from the torches. "Bargain? Bah! I don't have time, come back tomorrow!"

"But I want to go home now!" whined Kairi.

"Listen up," said Axel to the hologram. "We had to go through a lot to get the damn staff for you! We got lost, we were attacked by Heartless and we were nearly killed!"

"You got dropped and struck by lightning too, Axel," added Goofy.

"Shut up!" Axel glared at the hologram. "After all we've been through, you should help us!"

"I don't give a damn!" boomed the hologram. More flames erupted from the torches, causing everyone to jump back.

Pluto noticed a set of curtains at the side of the room. He ran over to the curtains and pulled them aside. Behind the curtain was Merlin, wearing a black coat, black trousers and a white shirt, pulling at levers and speaking into a microphone.

Merlin noticed everyone staring and shouted into the microphone. "Ignore that man behind the curtain!" He pulled the curtain back into place.

"Get him," said Axel. They all ran to the curtain and pulled it back. Merlin stopped working the machinery and chuckled nervously.

"Well, well, well," said Kairi, anger in her tone. "Merlin, last time I saw you, you were taking a vacation on the island where I live!"

"Don't blame your problems on me," said Merlin.

"Oh yeah? You should be ashamed of yourself! Frightening us like that, sending us on a perilous quest, and you still don't help us! You horrible man! What were you doing with those levers and that microphone? I thought you disliked machines!"

"I'm a good man, just a horrible wizard, and in case you hadn't noticed, I was following the bloody script!" Merlin cleared his throat and adjusted his spectacles. "If you want, I will help you and your friends. No need to get mad."

"Great," said Goofy, "you finally decided to keep your end of the bargain!"

"Of course, the quest I sent you all on was to prove your worthiness," said Merlin. "Can't just help anyone, only to those who are willing to commit to themselves."

"What do you mean?" asked Simba.

"I meant that completing the quest shows that you were all determined for my help," Merlin explained. "Since you have brought the staff of Maleficent, I realize you will take great risks for what you value most and I must help you. First, I will start with Goofy."

"Me?" asked Goofy, pointing to himself.

"Yes sir. I know that you have come to ask for a brain, and I know you must have done a lot to get it." A scroll appeared in Merlin's hand. "A brain is important, containing thoughts and memories of the individual." He handed the scroll to Goofy. "With the strategic planning you've completed on your quest, you have deserved this."

Goofy read the scroll and began muttering math equations. "Golly," he said, "I've got a brain!"

"That was simple," muttered Kairi. She was thinking that Goofy would get a brain in a way that was too complicated to be described.

"Now Axel," said Merlin, "you came to ask for a heart. I know it is difficult for a Nobody to find a heart in specific, I would require to open Kingdom Hearts, which I do not have the power to do."

"Right about that," said Axel.

"However, there is the quality of a heart that could be provided. The quality of a man's heart depends on how much he cares and is cared about in return."

"I was a close friend to Roxas in the Organization," said Axel. "Always felt like I had a heart when I was around him."

Merlin nodded. "You understand the heart's qualities well." A heart-shaped pendent appeared in his hand. "This may serve as a heart to you until you can reunite with your Heartless half." He handed the pendent to Axel.

Axel looked at the pendent and noticed a photograph of Roxas in the center. "Thanks," he said, blushing under his silver face paint.

"Simba," said Merlin, "I know you have asked for confidence, but no one can give you confidence, it comes from within. From the quest, you have shown bravery in the face of danger. I award you the medal of courage." A medal on a ribbon appeared in Merlin's hand; he hung the medal around Simba's neck.

"Oh wow!" said Simba happily. "This is the best thing ever, thank you!"

"Good for you, Simba," said Kairi.

"Kairi," said Merlin, "I know how important it must be for you to return home. Home is where family is, where the heart is! I've been to Destiny Island on business trips before."

"Yeah," said Kairi, "that's what I said! I last saw you there!"

"Don't be hasty! I can offer you transportation back to the Island."

"Really?" asked Kairi.

"Yes! Let's get ready to go!"

"You said that Kairi is going to be ticked off," said Sora, "she doesn't seem mad when transportation was offered to her."

"She'll be ticked off," said Drakena. "Something shall go very wrong, then information revealed to her will really drive her nuts!"

* * *

It was the big farewell ceremony, under the open sky at Emerald City. Kairi, Pluto and Merlin were standing next to a hot air balloon. Goofy, Axel and Simba stood behind them. A crowd of citizens were gathered around. 

"People of Emerald City," announced Merlin, "I am leaving, to take Kairi back to her island. I might not come back, so in my absence, Kairi's friends will be in charge."

The crowd cheered. Goofy gave thumbs up to everyone, Axel gave a small wave, and Simba just licked his forepaw.

"I bid everyone a farewell," concluded Merlin. He, Kairi and Pluto climbed into the basket. However, Pluto took notice of an orange cat in the crowd and gave way to a chase.

"Pluto!" shouted Kairi, jumping out of the basket. "Get back here!" She caught up with Pluto and grabbed him by the collar and pulled him back. "Cut it out! Come on now!"

When they tried to get back into the hot air balloon, Merlin was already taking off and was too high to reach.

"Hey," said Kairi, "come back! Damn it! Come back!"

"I can't," said Merlin. "I don't know how to get this thing down!" The balloon floated away. "Sorry. Good bye!"

"Oh damn!" grunted Kairi. "Now how the hell I'm supposed to get out of here?"

"Calm down," said Goofy, "there must be another solution." There was a swirl of fairy dust appearing. "Look, here's someone who could help."

The Fairy Godmother appeared from the fairy dust. "Hello Kairi," she said.

"Glad to see you here," said Kairi. "Do you have another solution to get me back home?"

"You just needed the glas-er-ruby slippers all along."

"You're telling me this now?" Anger filled Kairi's tone. "After the hell I suffered, I only needed the damn shoes at the beginning! Why didn't you tell me in the first place? Why did you let me bloody suffer?"

Fairy Godmother shrugged. "I kept thinking that if you lost one, your true love would find it and bring it to you."

"Isn't that the Cinderella story?" asked Axel.

"Yes," answered Fairy Godmother, "my bad." She cleared her throat. "Now Kairi, you just click the heels together three times and say _'There's no place like home.'_ Do you understand?"

"Sure," said Kairi, still angry that she wasn't told the purpose of the ruby slippers in the first place.

"Now that you can go home," said Simba, "just want to say that I had a great adventure with you."

"So did I," said Goofy. "Good luck back at home."

"I had suffered just like you did," said Axel. "I also want to apologize for kidnapping you in the first place, but I don't expect forgiveness."

"Axel," muttered Drakena, "say the line."

"No," said Axel.

"Say it!"

"No!"

"Remember the agreement?"

"Alright, but I'll sound like a fag." Axel cleared his throat. "Now I know I have a heart, it's aching!" His face was burning at the humiliation.

Kairi rolled her eyes. "Axel, I think I can forgive now, no need to apologize. Now I've said my bloody farewells, I can just click these painful, damn shoes and get the hell out of here!"

Pluto kept close to Kairi, after realizing that running off cost Kairi the transportation. Kairi clicked her heels together three times.

"There's no place like home," she said. Kairi closed her eyes and repeated the words. "There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like… _home_."

* * *

When Kairi opened her eyes, she was lying in bed. Her Grandmother and Pluto at her bedside, Tidus, Wakka and Riku were also present. 

"Thank goodness you're alright," said Kairi's Grandmother. "You nearly gave me a heart attack when I found you unconscious in your room! Thought you'd be hurt very badly!"

"We were about to call a doctor if you didn't wake up," said Tidus.

"Yah," said Wakka. "Sure gave us a pretty big scare."

"I'm terribly sorry," said Kairi. "I only remember coming back and collapsing from exhaustion during the storm. A really crazy dream I had, Sora's friend Goofy was there, that strange red headed guy who came here once was there, and that talking lion Sora told stories about was there." She pointed at Riku. "You were there too. It was so weird."

"You just had a dream about everyone," said Riku. "I still have dreams about those crazy adventures."

"Hello," said Merlin, peeking through the window. He was wearing his vacation attire again.

"You were there too," said Kairi, glaring at Merlin.

Merlin arched his eyebrows. "Really?" He looked at Kairi's Grandmother. "Hope I'm not intruding, just wanted to see if she made it home alright."

"She did," said the Grandmother. "Not to worry now. We're all glad that she's here, safe and sound."

"_I'm glad this damn parody is over,"_ thought Kairi.

"Guess it's a happy ending," said Sora sourly.

"Yeah," said Drakena, "but everyone is glad that it's over. Disappointed that no one suffered at the end?"

"A little, but it was so darn funny to see the look on Kairi's face when she learned that she could have just used the slippers in the first place."

A pair of ruby slippers came flying them; they ducked to avoid getting struck. Drakena and Sora saw Kairi storming at them.

"I never want to do any parody with you again!" Kairi screamed. She stomped off, cursing and ranting.

"I thought she was happy that it was over," said Sora.

"She's just ticked at us for making her go through it," said Drakena.

"Oh Sora," said the cheerful voice of Axel. He came out of the change room, wearing his usual attire of the black coat. "Want to hang out like we agreed?"

Sora blushed. "Oh… yeah! Dinner and a movie sound okay?"

"Okay!" Axel wrapped an arm around Sora's shoulders and they both left quietly for their fun time.

"Strange," mumbled Drakena, "Axel must be very happy to get out of the can." She shrugged. "Oh heck, I think I should work on my next wicked scheme." She trotted off to her studio to work on whatever she had in mind.

_The end.

* * *

_

**Endnote:** My apologies for the long update, I've been busy with my new job. I know that Disney made a sequel titled _Return to Oz_, so I might do that. However, do any of the readers have a suggestion what I should parody next. I have several ideas, including _Return_, but it's always good to see what crazy ideas the readers would suggest.


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